The words “fiercely independent,” “driven,” “responsible,” and “caregiver” are often used to describe the oldest sibling. From an early age, the eldest one is tasked with caring for his siblings while also being raised by first-time parents, and these experiences can emerge in a variety of ways, including certain themes and beliefs that emerge in therapy.
What’s more, when the oldest children are born, there are no other children around, which means their role models are the adults, their caregivers.
Younger siblings, on the other hand, have older siblings around them and look to them as role models.
In general, they said younger siblings were more relaxed and carefree – which is interesting because their role models are actually children.
Combined with the life experiences of the oldest child, this creates specific challenges that are often discussed in therapy. Here are some of the most common questions older siblings ask in meetings:
Struggles With Perfectionism
With the oldest child, parenting requires a lot of trial and error—new parents are learning how to raise their firstborn, but don’t yet have the knowledge to raise younger children.
This may mean that the oldest child must deal with extreme parenting styles, such as a strict upbringing full of rules and expectations. So, for the oldest kids, they have to grow up now and have a lot of expectations. Many times, this creates Type A personalities, who become perfectionists.
It’s important for older siblings to recognize this connection so they can make it easier on themselves when they don’t live up to their own high expectations.
If they don’t behave as their parents enforce, they will be very, very strict on themselves.
Feelings Of Imposter Syndrome
When you’re very self-critical and constantly seeking more, it can be difficult to feel like you’re good enough, which can lead to imposter syndrome.
When it comes to success or recognition, eldest children may feel they don’t deserve it because of this harsh self-critical analysis. Because of their strict upbringing or their parents’ expectations of them.
Experiences With ‘Parentification’
Many oldest children begin to experience “parentification” at an early age. This means they are given adult responsibilities to help their parents because their parents either work a lot or are emotionally or physically unable to work.
Therefore, having to take care of younger siblings, preparing meals for them, putting them to bed, and caring for them are all examples of parentification.
But the difficulty is that in many cultures, helping parents out is innate. Especially in the BIPOC community, you’re expected to help your younger siblings – you’re just expected to fill those roles.
Children raised by parents cannot fully relax when they grow up, are always worried about others, and always feel like they have to take care of their loved ones. This is true for both men and women.
Jealousy Toward Younger Siblings
Older siblings often feel like they have to pave the way for younger siblings and feel like their sister or brother has it easier.
For older siblings, this can lead to feelings of jealousy or resentment.
The oldest sibling may be jealous of the ease with which a younger sibling feels in certain situations—such as a bad grade or a curfew violation—and may wish they could experience life that way, too.
Finally, it may feel like the oldest sibling is being treated unfairly.
Trouble Asking For Help
Older siblings feel like they can’t rely on others for support, or they feel like they have to figure it all out themselves.
This can affect work, relationships, and all aspects of your eldest son’s life.
What’s more, the older sibling, who appears to be in control of their professional and personal lives, has trouble expressing themselves when they’re feeling low.
Often, when they share their struggles, they get responses like, “But you make a lot of money; Why are you not happy? This further forces the oldest child to hide any mental struggles.
You Can’t Change Your Birth Order, But You Can Treat Your Struggles
Birth order is certainly something a lot of people talk about on social media, and it does play a role in the way we are as people, especially in our relationships with our parents, but it’s definitely not the only factor.
If you have a strained relationship with your family and you want to blame your birth order, you can, but there are ways to heal the relationship.
We cannot change birth order.It’s something we’re born with – indulging in something like this can cause more harm.
Regardless of your birth order, you can develop good, healthy relationships with your parents and siblings.
If You’re Struggling, Therapy Is A Tool For Healing
If you’re the oldest sibling and you’re going through some of these things—perfectionism, imposter syndrome, feeling a lot of work pressure…it can help to go to therapy.
Therapy can help you process unhealed trauma, connect your behaviors to events from your childhood, and uncover patterns in your life that need to change.
If you come from a family with broken relationships and toxic relationships, family therapy is an additional tool that can help improve your relationships with your loved ones.
